Fury - This ain't no Sugar and Spice

So you’re reading this trying to get some insight into either a) cycling videos featuring pro women cyclists or b) what all the hype about Sufferfest is. Here’s a short, 9/10 true backstory:

Minster of Scorn: Looking for new video ideas
Me: All women’s footage
@$$whole who regularly comments negatively: Actually, I’m not going to repeat his derogatory posts and just hope that HHNF punched him in the face and balls pretty hard.

Minister of Scorn: calling the new video ‘Scout’
Me (to husband): Scout, what a sissy ass name, *bitch, bitch, rant rant, hiss hiss.
Husband (on FB to the Minister): You should call it Hell Hath No Fury (whatever do you think inspired him?)

Me (to husband): I bought HHNF, you should take Coach M out so she doesn’t hear my profanities.
Husband: obliges

Things you can learn from these three encounters:
  • The Minister is in touch with his people and takes their wishes into consideration. He will however return to you with a beating that keeps you subject to his suffering.
  • You and your spouse will have a much better relationship if you are both subjects of Sufferlandria.

I am clearly not promoting Sufferfest in the picture to the right.

Yes, it's been a busy week but I found time to subject myself to the S&M (scorn and misery) of Sufferfest Studios. If you thought AVDP was hard (ok it was) and you’re looking for comfortable – well even your favourite outfit isn’t going to help make any part of HHNF comfortable. In fact, I’m pretty sure ‘comfortable’ is a curse word in Sufferlandria. In fact, how did you find us Sufferlandrians in the first place, people like you are tied to the stakes in Sufferlandria for taking the easy road.

HHNF Synopsis: The awe-inspiring females in HHNF simultaneously make my heart burst with chamois dancing pride but also with near unbearable beating and pounding because I’m working so freakin hard to do even half of what they’re doing. That and I had serious leg & bike envy during warm-up.

First off, the soundtrack is amazing. I think it is by far my most favourite of all the ‘fests. It received Coach M’s approval when she came back from the park – she got her groove on for the last three minutes of the second 20 minute interval. Then she actually looked at my face, saw the agony, and started crying for me. Got to love my empathetic 18 monther. Husband on the other hand, seemed like he was trying hard to ignore the suffering while secretly thinking, ‘crap, she doing it, now I have to suffer like that too, am I woman enough?’

It was a good thing they were out for the majority of the video. Things I muttered while doing HHNF:
  • I’m going to catch you bitch.
  • Get back here you cow.
  • Ya that’s right, I’m the one attacking now bitch, dare you to keep up (after all, aren’t we doing cocktails and nachos post-race?)

In short: A lot of scorn.

Things you might think are a better alternative while attempting HHNF:
  • Selling your soul.
  • Smashing your bike.*
  • Gouging out your eyes.

Things that might happen to you while attempting HHNF:
  • You’ll resemble a greased pig.**
  • You’ll feel like you’re digging to the core of the Earth where it’s very very hot.

Ah, but that’s what makes you a Sufferlandrian, you’re not afraid of a little Yak S&%T while you bike around like a Wildebeast.

*Actually happened to me: With two minutes left into the first 20 minute set my bike tried to smash itself slipping out of my trainer. 
**Actually happened to me: my hair was as wet as if I’d taken a shower and I could wring out my outfit.

The transfer will be the shortest seven minutes of your (riding) life. The only thing that comes to mind for me which could have been a shorter seven minutes was when I walked down the hall to the delivery room at 7cm dilated, got there and had the urge to push now fully dilated. That was a pretty short seven minutes of my life but no, sorry guys, labour still hurts way more than HHNF. But if you want to see what it’s like then you should do HHNF over and over equal to the amount of time your wife was in labour – or for you single guys, your mom or sister. Maybe then you could say you’ve experience pain like us, but no, actually, you still can’t. And that is why women riders are amazing. Guaranteed on any tour one of those tough women is riding through cramps, bloating, or similar womanly discomforts, couple that with mood swings and you’ve got yourself a stage winner. She keeps attacking so she can get home to some advil and a warm bath.

One noticeable difference between this fest and the others, it’s coachy in a friendly way and lacks the motivational insults some of the other fests throw your way. Perhaps the Minister of Scorn was afraid of a female uprising among Sufferlandians or worse yet, his wife. Perhaps he’s been spending too much time with friendly nationals like Canadians or Kiwis. Whatever the case, I’m here to say: we can take it, so don’t be such a nice guy next time.

As for the Athlete’s Audio at the end.  I could take it or leave it. But to answer ‘Why do I visit Sufferlandria?’ As far as I knew, there wasn’t an exit door and the only way to leave was death by Revolver.


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